I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
