This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize