Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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