I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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