i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
