Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
