Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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