Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
