That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Your cock deserves a montage
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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