the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize