i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
