i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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