Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
