he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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