The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
