i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
