Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
