Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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