A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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