Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
