I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
