No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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