i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
