I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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