Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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