I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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