it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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