Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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