I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
