its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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