Cold hands, warm shart.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
