i need an iv and a liver transplant
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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