Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
