Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
