In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
