i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
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She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize