I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.