in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.