My liver just broke up with me...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
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What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.