Need sex. Gaining weight.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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