I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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