Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
