She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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