i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
