Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
