Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
