I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
