i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't deserve a penis
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you never un-have a 4some
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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