I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
