the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
