Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
