my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
