At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
