you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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