I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
