Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
