drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
