Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
