Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
