you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
