I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
