Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
