it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
