What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
